Epiphany.

I am so sorry. I apologized for ruining something that I used to treasure the most. You two were so inlove til I came along. i was browsing facebook and i was looking at you and your husband's pages, I realized how much I've destroyed. You had a beautiful relationship and I reuined it. Looking at the messages and notes, I was jealous, I want the same kind of love. You are so lucky and I am such an idiot for thinking that I could replace you in his heart for a short period of time. I am so sorry. Your daughter is beautiful, and she looks happy, I am glad she is young enough to not understand what is going on. You found the love of your life and I am just a hypocrite who tried to steal it, again, I apologize. I was so blinded by pain that I didn't see how much pain i've created not only to you but to justin and me too. I am not asking for forgiveness because I know what I've done cuts deep. I am sorry. really, I am.

My Pretend Wedding.

i'm not going to wear a white dress not because i'm not pure (but i'm not) but because i don't look good on plain white. it's not going to be in a church not because i don't believe in God but i've always wanted a wedding during the sunrise at the beach. there's not going to be alot of people not because i'm anti social or cheap but no one is gonna want to get up early to catch the sunrise for our wedding. i won't be throwing a bouquet of flowers not because i hate traditions but i would love to walk down the aisle holding a stem of orchids.



when i marry you, i want it to last forever, not only because divorce is expensive, it's because i love you.

One Wish.

It's been exactly 28 days since my last period and it is usually early. It's been nine days since I had sex and I will trade months of sexless weekends just to have my period. Not only because I am in no shape or form to be a mother, Justin, who is my consistent fuck buddy the past 2 months, is married.


Three days and it's going to be a new year, hopefully, I can start it right.

One night in New Orleans.

It was my third weekend in MS and I was already bored so we decided to take a little trip. I'm pretty sure the first plan was to rent a boat and go fishing and for some reason, we decided to go to New Orleans. We left around nine in the morning and got there just before lunch. It was me, Nathan, Grant, Cassie and Kolby. When we got to the hotel right on Bourbon street, Grant and Cassie went in first and tested the room by having sex while the rest of us went to the pool. I just got a tattoo the night before so I couldn't get in the water. We started drinking around two in the afternoon, had a nice dinner and got ready for the night. Grant and Cassie started going out because of that trip actually so me, Kolby and Nathan walked around, making friends, making fun of people and getting drunk. I had copious amount of margaritas that night. We didn't really went inside any bar, we just got drinks, talked to people, and  bailed. There was alot of strip clubs with pretty decent girls and the people was just really friendly. The Saints had a game that night so there was alot more people than usual.


When we got back at the hotel, Cassie and Grant were still having sex so we decided to order pizza. That's when Kolby started hitting on me. Kolby is really charming, really sweet, smart and of course, engaged. We couldn't find anyone who'd deliver us pizza at 4 in the morning so we went back to the room. We only got one room that night since the hotel was full. Grant and Cassie on one bed, Me and Kolby on the second one and Nathan slept on the floor. I was wearing a dress that night so I took it off before I went to bed. Not even a minute after the lights were off, I felt Kolby's hand caressing me, asking if I had a condom, surprisingly, I didn't. I woke up Cassie and asked for one, it wasn't discreet or anything, we had sex while the other three were pretending to sleep. I'm pretty sure I was on top of him at one point. We went to the bathroom and finished up while he was fucking me infront of a mirror. We went to bed and everyone else got up, Grant gave me a high five and we all went to bed.


We all woke up early and had a semi awkward talk during breakfast. All of us except for kolby went to mcdonald's, enjoyed our mcgriddles while I lectured them about 'nothing happened'.


Men, can't live without them, true story.

iSmoke.

Since it's almost the end of the year, I was thinking about the things that I'm going to change next year. I considered what most people attempt to do, to quit smoking. I figured, since I am in a field where smoking really isn't recommended and this bitch actually adds up when I'm smoking more than usual. I did the pros and cons, I even thought about not changing anything next year since seriously, it's just another fucking day, the only things that's special is you have to buy a new calendar, that's if you're actually one of the 8 people in America who still go to office depot and get a calendar every year or you're one of the lucky ones who got a calendar for Christmas.

A few hours ago, I was smoking outside with Mark and I was reading the notes that I made with my poor handwritting when this one guy started talking to us. His name is Ben and he is kind of charming. He attempted to read my notes and failed. He made a comment about something that I forgot (of course) and he said he always thought it's either me and Mark are going out or we're siblings since we're always together, which is true. Ben didn't ask for my number, why? fuck if I know. But this is why I'm not quitting. Hopefully when I smoke outside again, I can actually talk to him.

It's only tuesday night. Jesus fucking Christ.

was that normal?

I've been sleeping with Justin for about three weekends now, and he probably is one of the main reasons why I'm going to hell. Justin is married, have a 4 yrs old daughter and the wife is 3 months pregnant. Do I care? fuck no. I'm not the one who's married. It's not like I'm not guilty or anything, but I think it's safer this way, there is no chance of me falling inlove with him because I know he's a cheating bag of shit with a southern accent and a big penis.


Alot of people asked me before why do I keep on hooking up with men who are already commited. Well, my reason is simple, being emotionally involved isn't really my forte, I found one and I simply can't let go. Being with men like Justin doens't require bullshit that comes with relationships, that's what their girlfriends and wives are for. Also, they are less inclined to drama, it's not like they're going to tell their childhood friends about me, or I have to meet their family.


Anywho, the first time me and Justin had sex, it was a threesome. I was drunk out of my mind, I didn't even knew his first name back then, all I know is it was amazing. The second time, actually, I can't remember the second time but I promise it happened. This weekend was the third one. We got a hotel and started drinking around 7. Alex was there to drink too but he left around 10 because he knew we wanted to fuck. The boy was finger fucking me and I started squirting, Jesus fucking Christ, I didn't know I could do that. It never happened before, I had sex, ALOT, and it was the first time urine-like fluid came out of me while I was screaming in excitement. And like a little boy who just discovered masturbation, I wanted it again and again. We got a hotel with two beds and we almost ended up sleeping on the floor because both of them was soaking wet. Seriously, I wasn't aware that I was able to do that. I made him do it over and over, I even woke him up at seven in the morning because I wanted to know if I was ever going to run out of fluid.


That morning, we each had a beer, I asked him what the fuck just happened because I want to be able to do it to myself, I called my friend Mark, he is one of the few who never tried to sleep with me, he knows all of my secrets, every stories, every incidents, etc. He used to be a nurse so he knows alot about sex, it doesn't make sense but whatever. I told him about that weekend and decided to watch Narnia.

the white one.

I used to work in a place where I have access to, well, let's just say important information, social security number and all. And when I need it, I will fucking use it.


One morning, I was working and I met this guy, we'll call him Cpl. Skeet. I unintentionally gave him a wrong phone number so I got on the computer, found his last name, and got his information. I have no idea what I was thinking but my friend Ashley convinced me to call his work phone, someone picked up and I asked for Cpl. Skeet. He didn't seem to remember me but he said he's willing to meet up with me and play bowling (or something, it's been awhile, I can't remember everything). Afterwork that day, I saw him and it's a completely different person, he's white. Cpl. Skeet that I met at work obviously wasn't. I went out with him anyway, he was cute, he was nice, and he had a nice car. Later that day, we talked about what happened and he explained that there's two of them in the same unit with the same rank and last name. The one that I met from work is named Shammel and this one is Chris. We went out that week. Watched movies, went to dinner, we even went jogging.


Monday night, he drove me to school, we were waiting for my class and he was looking at my notes, he saw drawings of food, assuming I was hungry all the time, we were gonna go to get food but we ended up eating each other out. Having a tattoo is like having a huge penis for me, and that boy had alot. We had sex in his car, alot. There really wasn't anything special about him, sexwise. One night, we drove to a park after work and got completely naked in his car. At one point, my legs was hanging from the window. I went outside to smoke with my clothes off and there, we saw a couple, smoking, watching us, they didn't speak english so it was alot more awkward than it would have been if we could conversate with them so i put my clothes back on, drove home and never went back to that park ever again.


A month or so after that, Shammel called me, he told me Chris and him are now roomates and offered me a threesome. I hung up, deleted their numbers and went back to bed.

fairy tale.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, waiting for that man who would fulfill your dreams and for hoping that love will somehow find it's way to you and don't let anyone tell you different.


Fairy tales may not be true, but whatever path you take, there is always, always a happy ending to your own story.

The other Matt.

I've been seeing this guy everyday walking around the hallway and I'm pretty sure we both knew we wanted to talk to each other. One day during lunch, I was eating with my friends, Matt walked up to us and asked what I'm doing that weekend, I was actually planning to go out with friends but I happily answered 'nothing'. I gave him my number and that night, we were going to go out with my friends to watch a fight and have dinner but my friends bailed on me so we drove around and stopped by a memorial park. We walked around and started making out. We got a hotel room and I blew his mind by, well, blowing his dick. We had sex in his car that week too, establishing that we were fuck buddies. We watched a movie the weekend after we met and we couldn't even finish the movie because we were practically having sex in there which proves that nothing romantic will ever happen between us.


One weekend, I was out with Mark, Snickers, and this one guy that I keep forgetting his name so we'll call him John. We first went to this one restaurant, had dinner, and had a few beers. It was the first of many times that I spent more than 5 hours in same spot. That was the first time I met Snickers and it was John's last weekend there. Around 10, we decided to go somewhere else and play pool. Since I was the only one who didn't have the same gift of playing pool like my friends do, I sat there and watched them. A group of guys started playing on the table right next to us and one of them invited me to play with them. That's when I met Matt #2. He was really charming and his favorite phrase was 'it's ok'. They went to hard rock later that night but me and my friends stayed there since we prefer to hang out where people are not.


Matt #2 and I went to the beach alot that week, walked around, went to the marina and watched the stars. He was decent and at one point, I imagined him as my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to ask me to be his girlfriend so I didn't stop my agreement with Matt. That friday, I started drinking at the beach right at five in the afternoon and was drunk by eight. I called Matt and Matt #2. Matt #2 went to n.o. and told me to wait for him but Matt told me he's on his way. That resolved the conflict in my head about who I'm sleeping with that night. Saturday night, I was with my usual group of drinking friends at the beach, Matt #2 wanted to meet them so he came. It was going well until Matt #2 started reciting black jokes like he wrote a book about it. The first 5 was funny but after 25 of them, it got awkward even if we were all drunk so i decided it was time to go. We went to the first hotel that we saw, there were two beds so we both took a nap on our own bed before we had sex. That boy has a penis bigger than the average white penis but that thing did not know how to work itself. Sure, we were drunk but that wasnt an excuse. What did we do? Had sex anyway.


Matt #2 was talking about getting another job, I didn't realize he was serious about it. Friday night, I was out with a big group of friends. It was kareoke night so we stayed there til everyone was drunk. I told Matt #2 where I was thinking that he wouldn't show up because he was out with his friends. I've known Mason for 3 months before that evening and the best things about him is he's not circumcised. I have never been with a guy like him so I was really into, well, his penis. Matt #2 showed up with his friends and left within the same minute. I called and asked why, he told me he's leaving the next day and he wanted to say good bye. Ok, bye. I am not really good at saying goodbye. It's more of a leave while I'm not looking because I dealt with alot of separation in the past so i know it's just stressful. Matt and I made plans, countless times, ok, maybe 3 times but he kept on bailing on me and it got to the point where he expired.


By the way, here's a lesson for you. Fuck buddies have expiration date. After a month, if you are still in the same state and there is no physical contact between the two of you, then consider the agreement expired. If physical contact is present at all times, the relationship's life could go as long as 3 months.


I'm planning to go out with 3 guys named Matt, two down, 1 more to go. So if your name is Matt, call me.

that one night.

It was one stressful week, it was friday, and it was payday. I have one friend that I go to everytime I want to get drunk without any intention of getting laid. He's gay and let's call him Snicker. I got off work at 4 and everyone that I hang out with on a daily basis didn't want to do anything so it was time to have some one on one session with Snicker. I called him and we left 15 minutes later. We bought alcohol and got a hotel room, the best way to get drunk. We watched Avatar while I was taking a bath, smoking a ciggarette and sipping my favorite drink. My friend Mario texted me asking if him and some of his friends could sleep in the hotel room floor that night, I stupidly agreed.


After God knows how many drinks, two of my friends came and it is a known fact that i hate clothes so when they got there, my pants was off. Alex and Justin were both drunk, probably more than I was. I know that Alex has been wanting to sleep with me but I was way to drunk to do something that requires moving so I passed out. Mario and his friends came, ate our food, drank our beer and left. Snicker decided to leave because of all the shenanigans and he told me the next day that he thought we were all just going to pass out since it was 3 in the morning, he was wrong.


I woke up because I felt someone kissing me, so i kissed back. I felt alex' hand caressing me, taking the rest of my clothes off, well, i took the rest of my clothes off, he kissed me from my neck to down between my legs and it felt really good. I was positive that Justin was still there because i could hear his voice. I wasn't really pretending to be asleep, I just couldn't open my eyes. Alex went to the bathroom but I felt someone eating me out, finger fucking me, and it felt so much better. I heard the bathroom door opening as the strange tongue stopped licking me so I got up, looked at both of them and offered a threesome. Justin took his pants off so I started giving him head while Alex was eating me out. After about two minutes, I wanted to take off alex' clothes but he refused and walked outside claiming that he's couldn't do it. So I bent over and started screaming, literally. 15 minutes or so later, Alex came in and told us he's leaving. I tried to stop him by taking his clothes off but I guess a naked asian wouldn't stop him from leaving. I spent the rest of that morning having 'really drunk' sex. All I remember was Justin's dick was huge, of course, not being able to walk straight the next day was also an indication that it was big. Also, I remember that it was 7 in the morning and we were still having sex.


Around nine in the morning, I woke up and everything started clicking in my head. Justin is married. He has a kid. I was drunk more than I thought and I had a great night.