two at a time.

Houston will be home in less than 24 hours and I could not be any happier. The love that I have for Houston is exponentially greater than what I feel for Justin. We both knew that, we knew that when the ones that we love before we met comes around, we are no longer each other's priority. I do get jealous when Justin talks about his wife, and I believe he's bothered when I am bitching about Houston. Telling Justin I love him is completely different when I finally got to tell Houston how much I love him. It's surreal. I've grown to love Justin and I fell for Houston. I think that's the biggest difference.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: I was with Justin last night. I turned down my friends because I wanted to be with Justin. We had sex once and that was it, we were cuddling the entire night watching tv and eating pizza. We slept early, around 2 in the morning, I woke up and I saw him watching me sleep, he asked if I slept good and I just kissed him good morning. Words couldn't really describe how I felt for him, it isn't love, it isn't infatuation, it's something in the middle but I can't seem to figure out the word for it. We cuddled and I was crying becuase I was thinking about Houston and I want to tell him everything and I have no idea how he would react to it. Justin noticed I was crying and drinking way to much at 9 in the morning so he started making jokes. I knew it was our last time but deep down, I think we both knew that it's not.

I got back on base and I was talking to Marthy, she asked me if I wanted to go to the post office and then go to the mall. I had to give something to Justin and I told him that me, him and Jayr can get food and drinks as soon as I get back, he asked if I wanted him to go with us to the mall, I asked if he wanted to and he said he'll take a shower and will be ready soon. I told Marthy bout it so we went to the post office and when we got back, Jayr was apparently going too. So we all went to the mall and I introduced Marthy to Jayr and Justin. Mark was there too. We all went to this restaurant that we always go to and it was happy hour. So we got drinks and then went back onbase.

Marthy knows everything about me and Justin and after meeting him, she told me that there is no way we're going to stop sleeping together. She said we were sweet and it was obvious that we have a 'thing' for each other.


SUNDAY MORNING: It was one dramatic weekend, not in a sense that people are crying but there was alot of shenanigans that are completely unneccessary. After an entire day with my roomate, justin and jayr, I started drinking heavily. Me and Marthy went out with 3 of my guy friends who just got their next duty assignments. Mario is goin to germany, while mark and keenan are going to louisiana. We all wanted to go somewhere else but Keenan was way to lightweight for that. He was already puking in the bathroom. So we all went home and I was planning to stay in but justin wanted me to go outside and hang out with him. I got back around 3 and Mark and Mario wanted to go to waffle house and they wanted me to drive, so I did. then I realized that I've been drinking so we couldn't go back onbase without all of us going to jail, me specifically for drinking underage AND drinking and driving. I was the least drunk person so I drove about 30 minutes away from the base, went to walmart and drove back. I finally drove onbase around 6 in the morning when they stop checking for drunk people. That waffle house trip is one of those stories that we're gonna have to look back on in the future.

The entire time I was offbase, Justin was texting and calling me. He told me not to drive back and risk my career and just get a hotel room offbase, he was getting mad because I wasn't replying and wasn't calling back. Mark was getting mad because he knows about me and Justin and he knows he's married. After talking to Justin and me telling him to just go to bed and stop worrying about me, Mark asked if we're inlove because we act like we are in a legit relationship. Justin didn't stop texting me til I passed out around 7 and I woke up early for some fucking reason. I was up by 11 and Justin texted me around noon asking if I wanna get lunch and then go to hark rock. We invited Jayr and I was playing with Jayr's phone, I saw Justin's text message to him saying he doesn't care about me. From that moment to the time we got back onbase, I wasn't saying anything. We went to a korean restaunrant, it was really good but I really wasn't feeling well since I haven't slept and I was pissed off. We got back and Jayr started texting me asking what's wrong. I told him bout it and he apologized. Justin on the other hand wasn't. He said he knew what he meant and how I took it is up to me. He said he cares and that's all he needs to know.

I care about him more than I should have and it's stupid to expect the same feelings from him. This is how I realized that we let this 'fling' grow into something else. Our first arguement should have been the end of it, but it's not. Now we're both stuck a stupid thing everyone calls relationship.

T'was never mine.

I woke up Saturday afternoon, read a text message from Justin asking if I wanna go to the mall. I told him I'd be ready in 20 minutes because I needed to do my hair, my friend needed me to move her stuff around and she gave me a free tv so that took time. I finally got done right at noon, I don't remember, it was 3 days ago. I was with Alex and Justin all afternoon at the mall, shopping for clothes and other things that we don't and will never need. We got burgers and beer for lunch while playing pool. We waited for Felicia so we could watch the green hornet. She got there with another guy and Alex was just a little bit more intoxicated than me and Justin. Felicia was mad because we were already drinking at , we went back to the mall and walked around some more while everyone was hating on Felicia for bringing someone else after we made plans two weeks in advance. We still went out to see the movie and I had to babysit Alex while being "a gf" to Justin. It was quite an evening. I told Felicia to drop me and Justin off at the hotel.

(As I am typing this, I am watching the Black Swan, and I am turned on)

We got a room around seven and I was already tired. Sex was the same as every other time that we did it, amazing. I was surprised by how much work I did. I was on top most of the time that night because he was hurting from the night before playing rugby. We watched hellboy and hellboy 2, we even watched the food channel 'til 4 in the morning. He kissed my lips gently before he said good night, cuddling, breathing on each other's necks, literally. I woke up hearing his heartbeat and all I could think of is the fact that the heart that woke me up isn't beating for me, it's for someone in Alabama and she loves him. I gave him a kiss and he asked me if I wanted to go anywhere because he didn't. So I got dressed and I paid for another night at the hotel. He ordered us pizza and pasta from pizza hut and picking up the pizza was the only time I stepped outside that day. We cuddled most of the day. We watched the food channel and comedy central while drinking beer and eating pizza, all day, all night. We barely had sex. We were just laying down all day giving each other kisses and massage. We fell asleep after watching CMT, he was singing every song and I was just staring at him.

The next morning, we got up and cleaned up before we went to the beach. He told me we're gonna stop sleeping together starting next month. And of course, I agreed. There is nothing else to say but yes. He didn't want to cheat on his wife anymore. I stared at him and I told him that if he wasn't married, I'd actually like him more than I should, which I do. At one point while we were playing around, I was tempted to tell him I love him, I know it wasn't true but you know how it goes. His response was better than I expected and hoped for. He told me that he likes me more than he should and that is why this has to end. he said that if he wasn't married, he'd steal me from Houston. That is when we started talking about families and my tear ducts started doing its work.

We agreed to have sex one more weekend, and after that, we're going to have to stop sleeping together but to keep our friendship going. We'll see. His wife and kid are coming down here on February.

Time for bed.

Simply Houston.

It's a tuesday evening, I haven't had dinner but I am still on percocet. I had a great day despite my urges to go sleep on the floor all day. I was reading a book earlier this evening and as a result, I fell asleep. I started dreaming about Houston, suddenly, I woke up. I started crying and thinking of 'what if'. I decided to take a shower and take out my frustrations there but it didn't work. I miss him, and I am worried about him coming back.

What if he doesn't want me as much as I long for him? What if his love for me is gone? What if he doesn't accept the changes and decisions that I've made for myself? and worst, what if he comes back, but not to me?

I started questioning myself if I still know what love is. So I'm going to try and convince myself that I do.

Love is what makes my heart beats faster, it moves my soul into a different dimension that no one else knows about. It's what makes me feel that I belong to this world and that I truly matter to someone. Love is seeing beauty in a blank space, hearing serenity in silence and holding life itself through a person's hand. Centuries are minutes when it comes to love. Love is him. He is all I could think of. His beautiful smile that comforts me, the last moment we hugged before I had to go, the tears in his eyes that he tried to hide, the road trips that he'd let me drive, the short naps I took on his lap, his birthday, the day I tried on a wedding dress, his proposal, everything is just rushing in my head. I have no idea when he's coming home. I just know it's soon. I can feel it. And when he does, I'd never let him go.

I should eat ice cream.

Chipmunk night.

I just woke up. I got my wisdom teeth pulled today, 3 of them and I still can't feel the lower side of my face. it's kinda pissing me off now. I had coffee this afternoon after I got back and I swear, I was like a baby drinking from a glass for the first time, spilling shit everywhere. I am going to stay in tonight so this is gonna be a good night to contemplate on everything.

Yesterday, after I got back from work, I ran with Mark and while we were there, the navy were doing their afternoon PT, we saw our friend Davis, he invited us to Shady's to get some drinks and food. Since I ran twice that day, one during morning PT and one with Mark, i deserved a burger. I was texting Justin that afternoon after he got off duty, he wanted to get a beer with me and Mark but we already told Davis we're going so I invited him instead. He actually got there before us. I sat at the very end of the long table, Mark was on my left and Justin was on my right side. We were having a great night, taking shots, talking to our new navy friends, and eating really good burger since it was my last meal for the next few days. we were kissing and holding each other's hands while talking to them. I was talking to Mark about some bullshit and I heard him talking about a wife. Everyone that we just met assumed I was the wife they were talking about. Mark was getting mad because we just had a talk about how we both agreed that our 'fling' is going to stop soon. Mark really is the big brother that I didn't get a chance to grow up with. He cares about me in a whole different way and he shows it awkwardly. We got back onbase around 930 and while we were at the smoke pit, he was talking to Mark about enlisting for 6 years. I said something and he just kissed me to shut me up. We were talking to this one guy from another squadron and he accidentally talked about his wife. That was the second time so I was kinda tipsy and pissed off so I told him I'm going to my room. We walked back inside the squadron and I saw Joseph there, I gave him a hug and we were talking, I saw Justin talking to this girl in CQ and she asked for him number, I came over and pulled out my phone, looked for his name and gave it to her, I told her "by the way, he's mine, so don't even think about it". she said, "oh, don't worry, i'm just going to harrass him". I walked away and Justin followed me. he asked me howcome I could talk and hug other guys but he can't talk to a friend. I questioned his decision about us stopping what we've been doing and asked if that girl was the reason. He got mad at me for saying it. We both got jealous, and that is not good. We were texting after curfew and we he explained to me everything. In my head, I didn't need an explanation, I am in no position to get jealous. but then again, he wasn't either. Why does he care if I hug another guy? He's the one that I kissed good night, he was the one I texted before I went to bed. So even if we were 'together' there wasnt any reason to be jealous.

His best friend escorted me to my oral surgery today. Alex was really helpful today. He got me everything I needed and he even took care of me while I was drooling my face with blood and saliva. I need to get him a gift, he deserves a ps3 game or something. He's even checking up on me right now.

It's time for percocet.

Epiphany.

I am so sorry. I apologized for ruining something that I used to treasure the most. You two were so inlove til I came along. i was browsing facebook and i was looking at you and your husband's pages, I realized how much I've destroyed. You had a beautiful relationship and I reuined it. Looking at the messages and notes, I was jealous, I want the same kind of love. You are so lucky and I am such an idiot for thinking that I could replace you in his heart for a short period of time. I am so sorry. Your daughter is beautiful, and she looks happy, I am glad she is young enough to not understand what is going on. You found the love of your life and I am just a hypocrite who tried to steal it, again, I apologize. I was so blinded by pain that I didn't see how much pain i've created not only to you but to justin and me too. I am not asking for forgiveness because I know what I've done cuts deep. I am sorry. really, I am.

My Pretend Wedding.

i'm not going to wear a white dress not because i'm not pure (but i'm not) but because i don't look good on plain white. it's not going to be in a church not because i don't believe in God but i've always wanted a wedding during the sunrise at the beach. there's not going to be alot of people not because i'm anti social or cheap but no one is gonna want to get up early to catch the sunrise for our wedding. i won't be throwing a bouquet of flowers not because i hate traditions but i would love to walk down the aisle holding a stem of orchids.



when i marry you, i want it to last forever, not only because divorce is expensive, it's because i love you.